Hanoi and Three of the Most Ridiculous Days of My Life

2:31 PM Monday June 11^th, 2012 Hanoi, Vietnam

The last 5 days have whizzed by in a flurry of activity, a series of late nights, and an otherworldy, absurd, maelstrom-like continuum of drinking games. Starting with Tuesday June 5^th we had rushed up to Hanoi from Hue on the night bus.  I, experiencing some ludicrous existential crisis along with a bus that creaked and ground with every bump in the road, got almost no sleep.  Bo and Marlowe, securely on another bus (with a toilet!!!!) made their way quickly up to Hanoi beating me here and checking into our hostel.  Meeting up with them I stepped inside viewing the wondrousness in front of me.  Was I magically placed, somehow destined for this hostel?  I snapped back into reality.  I stared, entranced by the spritely travelers mingling and excited.  A buzzing excitement filled the air.  This place was meant for me, and it turned into my base of operations for the next week.  Day One was spent getting adjusted to Hanoi.  We smelled the grilled pork smoking up the street and were drawn in.  The food, the feeling of the town, it all just fit.  The hostel was situated in the Old Quarter though there were so many shops catering to tourists and locals alike that it didn’t seem antiquated by any means.  Clothes shops bustled, people haggled left and right, locals napped midday hiding from the menacing heat as tourists foolishly ventured out regretting each step away from any form of fan or air conditioning.  The first two days were absolutely amazing.  We managed to find a cheap place for 500 mL Tiger Beers, which actually is fairly enjoyable compared to other brews, for only 50 cents.  The establishment flashed its brilliance by having a happy hour that truly never ended.  Cheap beer and great food are a duo of magnificence and a force to be reckoned with.  Bo and I had a smoked salmon, grilled pepper, ginger pizza that was to die for.  We wanted to know how long happy hour lasted until, as signs had been plastered to the tables and the walls stating, “Happy Hour Now”.  To our surprise we asked the waiter curiously, “How long does happy hour go until?” and he responded enthusiastically, “Happy hour go a long time.”  We smiled, content with our discovery and I proceeded to have four beers (2 Liters worth).  How could I not with such a steal? That first night we went out with people from the hostel, and amongst the dancing masses and pitiful displays of pickup lines and intriguing ‘pick up strategies’ that some people employed, Bo managed to get himself in between a guy and his target.  While Bo chatted with this girl, unaware that this guy was on a mission of extreme importance, something wildly unexpected happened.  As Bo was joking with said guy and girl, the man’s persistence reached critical level as his way to get Bo out of the picture was an oral assault on Bo.  The man reached out, kissed Bo on the lips, and proceeded to directly cut Bo off from his girl.  Needless to say this was an effective strategy, and Bo uttering a, “What the fuck!  That guy just kissed me!” slowly backed out, afraid of another more serious full frontal attack. 

Clearly it's Happy Hour Now.

The next night, after we had explored some of the Old Quarter, we trekked about 50 feet from the hostel to a bar where laughing gas was sold in balloons for $2.50.  The ridiculousness of this caught me off guard, and I was immediately wary, though The Hair of the Dog, as it was called, turned out to be a great place to relax and talk with fellow travelers (or have notes from a Vietnamese girl passed to you as I experienced a couple of nights ago).  Day Three was the beginning of three of the most epic, unfathomable days of my life.  Our tour for Ha Long Bay departed at 8AM as I waited for my laundry to arrive from a shop down the street, barely making it in time and providing me with quite a scare as well as acceptable clothes for the next three days.  After two hours on our bus we stepped off, some of us fighting a hangover, grabbing a beer to commemorate the start of the trip.  We arrived in Ha Long Bay two hours later, changing into my tank top (Bro Top as we call them) (I secretly like the look), and preparing ourselves mentally for what was to come, pouring over the rumors of this tour.

The lake in the middle of Hanoi.  John McCain crashed into this lake.

Typical sight in the central park around the lake.

Ha Long Bay was too stunning for words.

 We stepped onto the boat, were directly told by our guide Taco in a thick Dutch accent, “THIS IS A BOOZE CRUISE!”, and all joined in the commencement activity, shotgunning a beer.  I, always scared of this act due to the high volume of beer in a short period of time, relented and jumped on board.  The next couple hours involved motoring out to our first stop for the night, getting lunch on board, and conversing with everyone on the tour.  After setting up at our first bay we got to jump off the 20 foot ship into the water.  Before Taco had finished informing us we could jump I had leapt off the railing, plunging into the refreshing water below.  Everyone eventually jumped, while some of us performed tricks.  During the jumping session I managed to do a few tricks, always happy to show off for people, and express my overconfidence as a, ‘risky bad-ass’.  Oh how that view will catch up with me some day.  Not this time though, as I attempted my first gainer (forward jumping back flip) from anything higher than a diving board and landed it, getting two free beers from Taco.  I took my time flipping, hoping I would rotate the right amount and not injure myself.  After showing off, diving from the 20 feet, doing lots of gainers, and even a back flip (this was significantly more scary than the gainer, but nothing ventured nothing gained), we got out the kayaks and slipped into them to explore Ha Long more intimately.  We paddled around, Marlowe in my kayak, seemingly more interested in protecting his cigarettes from the sea than he was in paddling.  We squeezed through an opening in the rock, ducking our heads and paddles inside the kayak and pushing off the rock rough scraping and damaging our kayak along the way.  Marlowe and I didn’t weigh enough to make it an easy passage through the opening unlike others who zipped through.  Next we ventured off to a cave where I did a little bit of climbing, again eager to impress my physical overconfidence to my fellow tour members.

Marlowe getting through the opening in the rock with our kayak.

The view from the cave in Ha Long Bay.

I don't know how people managed to capsize their kayak.

The floatilla I ran across in the race.

After leaving the cave, and getting back into our kayaks we formed a little floatilla of about 25 kayaks all lined up side by side.  We got the opportunity to race along the middles of the kayaks bobbing up and down as everybody held the floatilla together.  Am I addicted to attempting stupid things?  I wasn’t certain, but the cuts and bruises from falling as my race partner and I collided were well worth the experience.  Sadly only a few groups raced, though I’m not sure many people wanted to attempt it.  That night after returning from being spit on by a Vietnamese child as we handed off our kayaks I experienced something of beauty beyond which language can express.  The outlines or the rocks, illuminated partially in the dusk, darkened so that the colors had mostly escaped were enjoyable like nothing I’ve ever known.  We putted along in our boat, serenely viewing the sight in front of us.  That night we spent out on the boat was the beginning of the true celebrations.  Though about half of our boat took it easy and chose not to party the 14 of us that joined in were about to experience some extreme rowdiness.  The games started with Roxanne, where guys stand up and drink when Sting sings, “Roxanne” and the girls stand up and drink when he sings, “Turn on the red light.”  Needless to say if you’ve heard this song you can tell how hard this is.  The other game was King’s Cup, though the rules were nothing like I’ve ever heard of.  There were clothes swaps (I found myself wearing multiple girls’ clothing), guys kissing guys and girls kissing girls, Taco getting naked multiple times, and ridiculous rules involving being a slave, pointing at two people and having a person with eyes closed say what those two people must do.  Taco poured rum down people’s throats, and rules for the trip were strictly enforced (drinking with your right hand was grounds for someone to call, “Buffalo”, meant drinking your full drink, saying, “Ten” or “Mine” grounds for doing ten push ups, claiming anything without saying, “Safety” was grounds for someone to yell, “Claim” which meant performing what you claimed, and saying anything about a fellow tour member without following it by, “Told her” or “Told him” could be followed by “Tell her” or “Tell him” which meant doing just that).  Throughout the three day tour I got ‘Buffaloed’ eight times and did 300 push ups, clearly the worst of anyone on the tours at remembering the rules, and often opening up my beers and immediately drinking with my right hand.  The next day was much more fun.

James and I in girls' clothes.

Ha Long Bay is so stunning.

 We all woke up at 7 to begin the day’s activities.  The other boat, containing half of the tour members who played their own games on their own boat joined up with us.  This next day began with a game on the boat’s top deck involving more shotgunning and drinking.  Tim, an Australian and by far and away the rowdiest man on our tour was constantly failing to keep his pants zipped up as we all laughed and yelled at him to keep them up.  After everyone spent time mooning some fellow passing tour boats as the Vietnamese captain and crew urged us on, basically pulling down our pants for us, we arrived at Cat Ba Island, our home for the day and night.  Jumping off the boat around 10AM we reveled in the beauty of our surroundings.  That day I got to wakeboard for the first time ever, and I managed to stand up and ride on my first try.  Though that was amazing, and the rock climbing I got to do, swinging off the rock face 50 feet above the beach, was great as well, the best part of the activities we did that day was the tubing.  As we flew along the water, our tube lifting up as we caught air behind the speedboat, I was ecstatic, laughing and smiling in joy the whole time.  Even getting dragged and fighting to stay on the tube as my partner fell off was exhilarating.  I don’t think I’ve smiled that big for that long in a significant amount of time.

Doing a little wakeboarding.

The view of our beach on Cat Ba Island from the top of the rock climbing route.

One corner of the group of tables during the second night.

 That night was a spectacle of drunken ridiculousness, a bacchanal of sorts.  To start the night everyone shotgunned a beer in memory of one of the old tour guides, and the ‘ting’ as every person opened their can was something we all found frightfully exciting. Again we played a game, though this time the large tables pushed together contained about 45 people surrounding them, and as expected the rowdiness escalated as people were punished for breaking rules with a vile rum that was ALMOST forcefully poured down our throats.  Bo joined late, having developed a headache earlier in the day, his punishment shotgunning two beers and a 7 Up all in a row.  To my, and his, surprise he managed it all without anything coming back up.  Parts of the game again involved passing out drinks to tour members, switching clothes, running around, and a massive run and skinny dipping of the whole group, though even in my drunkenness I recalled almost all guys partaking while girls ran in bikinis or underwear.  I was handed drinks ruthlessly by some fellow British tour members leading to a drunkenness that Bo recalls as being one of my top five in terms of intensity.  The following couple of hours were a blur, but I do remember running around with a couple of girls and one of the tour guides flashing fellow people and laughing.  And while some of this may seem absurd and sophomoric it was fun during the time and I don’t regret it.  Even the most ridiculous of happenings while I may be ridiculed and dismissed must be told.  At one point in the festivities of the game I was picked to perform an act which I’ve never seen or heard of anywhere before.  It involved my buttocks, a string of toilet paper, a lighter, a drink, and some singing.  I’m sure you can put together approximately what happened as I was burned in about two seconds, finishing my drink in about three.  And although everyone may have witnessed my ass and likely more of me than I’d like to admit, I’m not upset by this experience.  If anything I found it liberating and hilarious.  I mean it wasn’t the first time people had done this on the trip.  Three guys had done it the night before, and Taco had joined them though not utilizing his buttocks and instead using something else.  I’m sure you get what I’m saying.  So that was the ludicrousness that ensued on the second night.  The third day of the tour was focused on making it back to Hanoi.  This was no simple task, and again the tour guides found a way to continue the drinking the next morning, helping some of us combat our hangovers.  That day involved more shotgunning than any day before in my life.  I think some people shotgunned about 12 beers, though I only had about 8, during the course of the early morning and day, transferring boats to get back to the bus.  Even during the bus stop on the way back we shotgunned two beers, racing as far away as we could from the ever looming hangover.  Though it turned out to be nothing more than some extreme exhaustion it was hard making it to 3AM that night with the tour members from the boat.  Everyone partook in a balloon and enjoyed conversation into the late night, surprised that we were even still awake.

Everyone prepared to shotgun a beer.

 The next day, yesterday, we enjoyed sleeping in and making it out to the Hoa Lo Prison to see a museum and relax away from alcohol.  In a race in the hostel upon blow up reindeer I managed to run my head into the glass door at the hostel in front of 40 people or so.  Well done Greg!  Last night Ireland was taking on Croatia in a soccer match that had the Irish riled up in excitement as they cheered loudly and drank heavily.  We headed off to the one Irish pub in Hanoi after I had spent some time enjoying some conversation about travelers and escapism.  Maybe I’m escaping a little?  Maybe there really aren’t any consequences for us travelers since we can and do just move on?  These questions are interesting to keep in mind, and the conversations have always been stimulating and idealistic.  I like it that way right now.  It’s been fun so far, and there’s a long way to go.

The Irish getting a little rowdy.

I got some scenes painted on my arm and joined in with the Irish as I talked to my new friend about traveling.